I’m not very good at yoga… & by the accommodating nature of yoga its self, to not be very good at it takes a lot of effort. I have abandoned my yoga practice in the last year or so and that’s been due to baby and my own laziness and ability to make excuses or always finding something else to do instead. I am in need of some self-care now. Labour and birth of our beautiful daughter have taken its toll on my body and 11 and a half whole weeks after her birth I’m just about at a point where I feel that I might be able to sit cross-legged on a stack of cushions without something popping out!
So on a wet and windy Thursday morning after a difficult night and half a gallon of coffee I decided there are no time like the present. The baby and dog had other grand plans of their own…
Waiting until they were both asleep isn’t an option for me, Eve now likes to be in the thick of everything and unless I take her out for a walk I have no hope of her falling asleep… So she’s tucked up in her baby bouncer… The dog, safely installed on the sofa will be the least of my troubles of course.
Ambitiously I am attempting 30 days with Adrienne, a you tube accessible yoga routine that I hoped would break me back into the practice and help me find my head space, my calm and what was left of my inner strength within this shredded post partum husk of what I now call a body. The fourth trimaester is definately the most difficult.
I was surprised after putting baby into bouncer and gearing up my you tube this morning how comforting it felt to be sitting on the floor and grounding myself again… I had long given up hope of finding my yoga mat under the piles of wood and tools that had been rammed on top of it in the mini dumping ground under the stairs so a baby blanket and cushion was more than adequate.
Nothing was going to stand in my way of getting 5 minuets peace and the badge of honour to say I tried…
On goes the video…
shuffle shuffle… cushion under butt… breathe, center, tell dog off, pause video, tell dog to get out, breathe, centre, turn video back on…
Hit in face with stinky dog toy….
Laugh (first time this morning)
Try again, make it to stretching up in the air… F*&K me that hurts! What the F**kadandilly have I done to my shoulders and arms?
White noise on to settle the now grumpy baby… and a push in her bouncer.
This really isn’t happening for me today. First set I managed an indulgent 7 minuets before I gave up and had to focus my attentions elsewhere… Back to motherhood and the now fractious baby. However after a feed and louder while noise played through my now dying phone, I managed to get back to the rug (never did find my yoga mat) and the baby blanket on the floor to complete my yoga practice.
I DID IT!
Completed the whole practice amazingly enough. There is a part of me that knew this would be a challenge which is the main reason that I wanted to under take it at home and not in a class. I know that I would need to take it easy, to really feel the differences within my new body. The thing that I really didn’t expect was the intense emotional release that hit me after finishing the practice… Why did I want to cry and cry hard? I denied myself the cry… opting instead for more coffee and to find a pair of socks for my now frozen feet (Hadn’t realised quite how draughty my floor is). Was it the release of muscle tension…? Of all of the memories and stress that I’ve been bunching up deep in my muscles. Or was it simply the joy of finally managing to carve out a full 34 minuets and 56 seconds… Just for me, to care for myself and honour myself enough as much as i do others, to think of myself as a human being again and one that needs to be cared for. To trust that baby (in front of me dozing) my Husband (sleeping off a night shift) the dog (now having given up trying to join in yoga and curled up asleep next to my husband) and everyone else that I hold in my heart and worry about/feel I need to care for… that they will all be okay for the sum of time that it takes me to do this one thing.
I didn’t expect that at all. Wonder what I will learn about tomorrow.